I sang and prayed a song for over a month. It resonated with my soul. The melody conveyed the longing of my heart.  Yes, Lord… let me walk upon the water, and then…

January began with the muffled roar of suffering like waves clashing in the midst of a storm.

I injured my neck.  The pain was a 10 out of 10, an intensity I’ve never felt before…and that’s saying something coming from a woman who has endured chronic pain since she was 16. I had a week of pain killers and muscle relaxers, leaving me pretty incapacitated.

Geez I hate helplessness!

I had mustered my way out of the intensity of my physical suffering when BAM – enters the circumstances of my son being assaulted by another kid at school. He was kneed in the groin and the saga continued into the next week. Meeting after meeting ensued with the administration of the school. Understanding, advocating, explaining, defending, communicating and documenting consumed my days and nights.  To top it off it was the one week of the year that my husband was unavailable due to a conference he had to attend.

I would rather have hidden behind my husband’s cool calm demeanor.  Allowing him to run the point position. But God wanted me on point.

Geez I hate being on the frontline!

There are so many layers to my suffering and the great work God was doing in me through it all, but nothing really answered the WHY of my current suffering.

I am tired of suffering.  I am worn and weary from the fight of life.

And to be honest, I resented the suffering that opened my 2014.

Am I really so bad God that you would send so much suffering my way to purge out the impurities?

And the age old lie that engrafted into my soul as a child surfaced.  After all, if my family really loved me, wouldn’t they stop doing bad things to me?  If you loved me God wouldn’t you prevent all this suffering in my life?

As I stood in the midst of worship at the junior high retreat I sang once again Oceans by Hillsong.

I got to this verse and just about fell to the floor:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior

(Oceans by Hillsong)

I prayed to walk upon the waters

Faith without borders

Take me deeper

Make my faith stronger…..

All of these prayers can only be answered by suffering.

It is when the waters are choppy that fear is at its height.

It is when I walk upon the depths not on a balance beams six inches off the floor that I rise above them.

I had resented God for sending suffering when it was I who asked for it!

Can God be my rescuer without the circumstances that required rescuing?

Can he be my strong tower of refuge if I don’t have a reason to run to him?

Can he fight for me if I don’t have a fight I am losing?

My resentment flew out the window on the wings of music.

Jesus suffered to know me – Can I not suffer to know him?

Let me walk upon the waters Lord, Wherever you would call me.

Update: The suffering at the opening of 2014 resolved, but new suffering entered in March. By August I had back surgery…

God just kept walking on waters he was calling me to brave. Suffering uncovered a deep seated lie of unworthiness. And I stepped out of the boat once again. I falter, but it is so much easier to look up.

Walk upon the waters he has called you to,