When I Do It Broken, #IDIB

#IDIB is a messy adventure. I never really know what I’m going to get.

The only guarantee is this: I will trigger to shame somewhere along the road.

Why? Because shame is what anchors me inside my brokenness.

Inside, fear hides. It offers me masks to wear; anger is my favorite, control and manipulation are subtle seconds, and sometimes tears mask how helpless I feel.

I’ve worn them for so long that I have to practice taking the masks off in order to see. My past makes the what-ifs concrete so I endeavor to control the outcomes of my life. And life becomes constricting.

What if…my husband decides he’s tired of all this brokenness?

What if…my kids grow up and avoid me?

What if…my daughter, heading to middle-school, gets man-handled by the boys just like I did?

What if…the teachers turn a blind-eye and do nothing for her, like they did to me?

What if…someone in the church thinks my humor is really flirting with my brothers in Christ?

What if…

You see, if I wear masks out of fear – I live a life self-edited.

Freedom leaves and I become the good-Christian-chameleon-girl who wears plastic smiles instead of exuding joy.

The hope: if I take off the what-if masks of fear (a.k.a. shame) and sit with my savior long enough – I find my brokenness transformed to beauty.

I find myself able to live out of my brokenness.

It’s a warrior attitude.

When heading into battle there isn’t one warrior that doesn’t think their life will be on the line. So it is when I decide to head into shame wars without my masks – I will face my trigger enemy.

The question is… do I engage in battle, give up and die, or run and hide (living out of my brokenness vs. living inside my shame).

I hear my savior calling to me: “Stay here, wrestle with this enemy. I’m right here with you. Let me tell you his moves. Let me teach you to war”

If I listen to the Spirit calling out truth I begin to win. The enemy shrinks in a slow death much like the Wicked Witch of the West with Dorothy.

Suddenly the skills I learned in war become the steps of the dance with my King. And I am transformed.

Gone are the plastic smiles.

Enter tears of joy.

Laughter.

Beauty.

I can live genuinely me. The original design God had in mind when he knit me together.

Live courageously messy in your #IDIB process – and live beautifully, fully, joyfully you – God’s original design.