#IDIB – I’ll Do It Broken.
Time after time, just before I am to speak or attend an event, meet with a friend to share encouragement, or share the vision for a future community based ministry… I get smacked down.
My brokenness makes itself known.
Signs of panic or anxiety course through my veins sending my heart into palpations as the lies I have believed circulate in my mind. Sometimes it is caused by memories, unrelated to the events I am to partake in. Other times I get in a dither because I know I am called to share about my brokenness.
I spend the days before walking hand in hand with shame on one side and my Lord on the other.
Yet, I know this one thing – I am supposed to speak, I am called to encourage, I am anointed to see the image of God in his kids and write it into story.
And I love my calling.
But the truth is I get psyched out…a lot!
I was preparing to lead a retreat last fall. Four days before the event I had a flashback to a violent assault as a child. And when I say flashback, I mean a repressed memory that came to the surface (PTSD). So, though the violence happened thirty-something years ago, for my soul it happened that night. The fear and panic of the past were very real in the present.
I was a mess. I cried and cried grappling with this reality. The sorrow hung heavily over me. And I simply informed God that he was a bit crazy when he chose me to coordinate the retreat that weekend. After all, he is well informed as to the timeliness of events in my life! What made him think that a flashback and a retreat went together?
Thursday morning came with no relief. And about mid-day I simple said to God…
“Fine, I’ll Do It Broken
If you want a woman torn apart inside, weeping at the drop of a pin, confused in her own identity, disqualified in every sense of a leader…you got it!
I’ll Do It Broken”
He knit me together with his word – verses that precisely answered the pain of my memories. And I just about danced my way through that retreat.
Very present in my brokenness and very confident of His ability to hold me together. I ventured in with my #IDIB attitude and found his voice constantly whispering “This is the way.” I could dance because I didn’t dance alone. I had a perfect partner with an incredible lead.
I find myself learning the same lesson over and over again…and now I just get this grin on my face while my eyes leak and I simply say
I think my brokenness disqualifies me to share.
I see brokenness – He sees completion.
I see overkill on the tears department – He sees openness to the wounds of others.
I see confusion – He sees clarity.
I see exhaustion – He sees the infusion of his strength
I see a woman with nothing to give him – and He says, “All right, now we can get to work!”
I believe there is purpose and calling buried deep within every heart – and I know we spend a lot of time and energy stating our own disqualifications.
What would change for you if you decided to say #IDIB?
I want to start a revolution among Christians. Let’s stop waiting to be perfect before we begin.