In an age of #DIY, #YOLO, IDK, BFFs, LOL and the original WWJD – I have found my own tag.
#IDIB – I’ll Do It Broken.
Time after time, just before I am to speak or attend an event, meet with a friend to share encouragement, or share the vision for a future community based ministry… I get smacked down.
My brokenness makes itself known.
Signs of panic or anxiety course through my veins sending my heart into palpations as the lies I have believed circulate in my mind. Sometimes it is caused by memories, unrelated to the events I am to partake in. Other times I get in a dither because I know I am called to share about my brokenness.
I spend the days before walking hand in hand with shame on one side and my Lord on the other.
Yet, I know this one thing – I am supposed to speak, I am called to encourage, I am anointed to see the image of God in his kids and write it into story.
And I love my calling.
But the truth is I get psyched out…a lot!
I was preparing to lead a retreat last fall. Four days before the event I had a flashback to a violent assault as a child. And when I say flashback, I mean a repressed memory that came to the surface (PTSD). So, though the violence happened thirty-something years ago, for my soul it happened that night. The fear and panic of the past were very real in the present.
I was a mess. I cried and cried grappling with this reality. The sorrow hung heavily over me. And I simply informed God that he was a bit crazy when he chose me to coordinate the retreat that weekend. After all, he is well informed as to the timeliness of events in my life! What made him think that a flashback and a retreat went together?
Thursday morning came with no relief. And about mid-day I simple said to God…
“Fine, I’ll Do It Broken
If you want a woman torn apart inside, weeping at the drop of a pin, confused in her own identity, disqualified in every sense of a leader…you got it!
I’ll Do It Broken”
He knit me together with his word – verses that precisely answered the pain of my memories. And I just about danced my way through that retreat.
Very present in my brokenness and very confident of His ability to hold me together. I ventured in with my #IDIB attitude and found his voice constantly whispering “This is the way.” I could dance because I didn’t dance alone. I had a perfect partner with an incredible lead.
I find myself learning the same lesson over and over again…and now I just get this grin on my face while my eyes leak and I simply say
I think my brokenness disqualifies me to share.
I see brokenness – He sees completion.
I see overkill on the tears department – He sees openness to the wounds of others.
I see confusion – He sees clarity.
I see exhaustion – He sees the infusion of his strength
I see a woman with nothing to give him – and He says, “All right, now we can get to work!”
I believe there is purpose and calling buried deep within every heart – and I know we spend a lot of time and energy stating our own disqualifications.
What would change for you if you decided to say #IDIB?
I want to start a revolution among Christians. Let’s stop waiting to be perfect before we begin.
Let’s do it broken.
- Resting in Duality (woundedhealerwarrior.com)
- Being a woman with PTSD (colourfulchameleon.wordpress.com)
Well done, Sis! You were able to knit some things together quit nicely. “Broken: Yet Loved.”
Thanks Brother – and I mean that sincerely 🙂 You heal me with your words of encouragement. Broken Believers limping while we learn to dance!
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I can’t believe it. I just saw your Triennial button! I am a member of Oak Hills Covenant Church in Vista, CA…north San Diego county! I’m super bummed that I’m not able to attend Triennial! It just wasn’t in my budget . Are you speaking?
I may be able to get there for a worship session or 2…I am thinking about one of the Advance Learning Opportunities. Considering Mending the Soul (MTS) Facilitator Training if it’s still open for registration….I’m not sure. I’ve been sensing God’s calling me to something like this somehow over the past year. He has given me all kinds of “brokenness” scripture, brought people into my life and lots of other stuff. I keep finding blogs such as yours. …. I’m not sure exactly what He’s calling me to…Is it abused women? Is it other types of brokenness? I’m so uncertain….so that’s why I haven’t committed to the Mending the Soul training….any thoughts about any of this?
There are all kinds of GC s (what I call God Coincidences) all over this.
Chrystal – How exciting to “meet” you here! God is remarkable when He decides to knit us together. I will be going to the Mending the Soul training and next week will be my last meeting with my small group that has been journeying through the workbook together.
MTS is an amazing ministry and if I can encourage you – I believe the principles laid out in MTS in regards to healing from abuse can also be applied to other wounds of our lives.
Wounds are different for everyone and can include divorce, infertility, having a child with a disability, abortion, giving up a child to adoption, financial bankruptcy, loss of job, leaving the ministry. You name a deeply moving human experience and shame can be attached to it!
Every wound produces shame, and most of our healing is around pieces of shame.
I differentiate between shame and guilt. Guilt is the healthy response we have when we do wrong. Shame goes beyond telling us we did wrong and speaks the lie that we are made wrong, defective, aren’t worth fighting for, or worth the time, etc…
I can’t encourage you enough to come – It is an incredible foundation to lay in your life as God is obviously breaking your heart for what breaks his.
If you have more questions please email me 🙂 And when you come (hee hee) I would love to meet up with you! Cheryl@CherylMeakins.com
Cheryl, I’ve registered! I may be dense but when God gives me so many thumps on the head, sooner or later I get it! I’ve written my last couple of posts about it! 🙂 Can’t wait to meet you! Thanks for your words. Oh and by the way, I met Tammy Hallam in either January or February….:)
Chrystal – SUPER excited to meet you at Triennial XIV!! We will have to carve out some time to connect 🙂 Would love to hear your story!
I love, love this.
Tammy – I love, love your blog 🙂 I enjoy photography and the way a person can capture an expression of God’s love in a moment. Thanks for dropping by – Keep up the inspired photography and IDIB 😉
and He was crushed for our iniquities…
And not just our own sin but the sin done against us. Realizing the power to break the effects of sin committed against us is one my most powerful experiences. My abuse can be healed because he died being abused! Thank you Christ Centered Teaching ❤
I came across this post via a post on Broken Believers. I loved what you had to say and put into my inspiration journal some of the wonderful points you made. I am broken…and I will make it through it all with God.
Diana – I’m so glad IDIB was an encouragement to you. We are all broken in some way and we are all on our journey into our healing. Today I pray you sense Christ’s presence with you through every moment. Blessings, Cheryl
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I started a blog and linked this there. Too good not to share.
Dianna – Thanks for passing on #IDIB – I’m so glad it has encouraged you – God is faithful to us in every turn of our paths. God Bless!
I keep parts of that post written in one of my notebooks, really encouraged me and I wanted to share it to hopefully do the same to others.
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Your comment on the phone days ago makes a lot of sense now after reading this post. Yes IDIB! This post has really encouraged me today – have felt really alone in this current struggle, but GOD is always there in His Word or the words of a friend. Bless you! and will see you in two weeks in Iowa.
There really is no other way through this life than #IDIB ~ I’m looking forward to a weekend with you Karen!! Praying for the retreat!
I loved this. I really loved the part where you wrote about walking hand in hand with shame etc. I so often do that and yet, He’s given His life so we don’t do that. Your blog was very encouraging. Thanks. Beth
Beth ~ Shame is one of Satan’s greatest weapons and shame that comes from abuse is so deeply rooted that it takes a process to uproot. Yes reading scripture and choosing to believe is part of it – but it is also being present in the shame, deep enough to allow God to name it, where it began and who should really own that shame. Quite often we own the shame that really belongs to our perpetrators – When I gave the shame back to them I was liberated, yet I must be vigilant to recognize when habits of shame based behavior pop up in my every day life.
God is good and is faithful to walk me out of my captivity and into His promises! He is faithful to us all.
Kids read this for the first time. It has inspired me to keep on with my dreams of being an evangelist and writer. I always waited until when I thought I’d be a good enough Christian, until, at the age of 41 I decided I’d never be that man. Brennan Manning and others like him (including you Cheryl) have helped instill in me that I’m a sinner saved by grace and always will be while in this flesh. I mess up every moment of every day. Thanks Cheryl
Hi Justin – I’m so glad that our collective experiences encourage you to keep going! And can I say that you are not just a sinner saved by grace, you are a human deeply loved by God because he longs to be known by you, his most magnificent creation. Keep being loved! Gratefully, Cheryl