I didn’t know it, but I have been asleep most of my life.

I was a zombie of sorts, the walking dead.

I was breathing, the blood was pumping.  My soul was feeling, thinking, acting but it was all out of an identity I adopted long ago, when my wounding took root deep inside. A mask of self-sufficiency, a determination that I would never be vulnerable again, a type of soul armor steeling me from harm.

It was as if the Holy Spirit, inhabiting me since age 14, had slowly seeped his warmth and living power into my cryogenically frozen life.  I had thickened my life blood, slowing down the flow through the ice crystals forming, allowing me to regulate my life.  Everything was controlled – by me.

I controlled how much joy I expressed because then I could control how much pain I felt.

Until this year. God determined it was time to thaw, Spring should come, the White Witch must release her grip and I unwittingly agreed.  He promised abundant joy and I thought that was a good idea… until I realized the path to joy was through mourning. 

I woke up last week, I arose from the deep sleep and stepped out of mourning into the dance of joy.  I was singing, crying, dancing in my kitchen when the phone rang and my dear friend who has walked through my deepest suffering invited me to a Josh Groban concert at Red Rocks Amphitheatre!

On this night I heard the song “Awake.”  Incredibly intimate words between lovers;

So keep me awake to memorize you

Give me more time to feel this way

We can’t stay like this forever

But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless

If I could stop the winds of change

If we just keep our eyes wide open

Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me

how We’ll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment

And give us more time to be this way

We can’t stay like this forever

But I can have you next to me today

Hearing this song overwhelmed me again, for I heard Jesus calling to me, begging me to stay AWAKE with him.

“Stay in this place of JOY,

Feel the freedom I have given you fully

Please stay here with me,

don’t retreat to your hidden and dimmed self

Lay aside your steeled armor and take on mine.

Please don’t retreat in fear and hide your essence in a shell

Stay Awake and let me memorize you

Keep your eyes wide open

And see me, see my essence surrounding you

Stay Awake with Me.”

He is calling to you too.

“Awake. You who slumber in fear. Awake

Do your work of mourning, for I am there too.

And when the work is finished, Awake

Awake to JOY, abundant and free

Keep your eyes wide open,

Stay awake with Me.”