Worship – I know it is more than just singing. I understand in my head that it is a way of life. Yet I still believe in the recesses of my heart that I must come to God ‘perfect.’ On the good days I have no problem being before him. I can be with him in confidence of who he is. I can talk with him of all the good things he has done for me. I can affirm how great his love is for me.
But on the bad days, the really bad days, I tend to stay away. My depression seems too yucky to be before God. My anxiety appears an ugly gift for the King of Kings. The memories too dark and scary to be held in the light.
So I retreat from His Presence.
I hide in the dark afraid that the light will condemn instead of redeem.
Another woman believed the same things. She was a Samaritan and had the amazing opportunity to sit down and chat with Jesus. His response to her is moving.
“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself –Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.” John 4:23-24 MSG.
Who I am – my true self and the way I live is worship. On the bad days my true self is withered and afraid and He says “Come anyway, I’ve had a few bad days myself. That gift you think is ugly, I love it, its you, the most secret part of you. I receive it with tenderness, kindness, gratefulness… for you. After all, when you bring your true self, when you are honest with me you are worshipping”
Simply and honestly I come on the good days and I am learning how to simply and honestly hobble to his lap on the bad days. I just have to convince myself that it’s just me before Him – and that is authentic worship.
Dear Abba – I’m so sorry for the days I run or hide from you, when I act on my fear instead of faith. I promise to do my part to hobble your way and I simply ask that when I run, please pursue me. Help me to move the knowledge of your faithful love from my head to my heart. Teach me how to stand before you on the bad days and be unashamed of my state of being knowing that simply coming is worship. You are worthy of my worship.
- Weirded Out in Worship | Uh, What Did He Just Say? (johnnynewman.wordpress.com)